boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then