Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
You Might Also Like
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
my lower back watching me try to live my life
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Pretty much. 🤣
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
True.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Somebody’s lying.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
i was baptized in a car wash