Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
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The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast