Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
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My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Wikigenius
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
don’t be scared
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.