Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
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When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.