boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?