boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
You Might Also Like
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Money is the root of all wealth
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.