Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
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Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job