Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
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Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.