My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
These aliens are taking forever.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
ready to be harvested
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.