Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
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Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx