Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
wow he looks just like him
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Meow
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.