BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”