*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Only Americans understand
can’t catch a break
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water