Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
You Might Also Like
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.