Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
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I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.