Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.