Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
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[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I have obtained a hat
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.