[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
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My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Haha! 😂
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.