[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
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People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
wtf is a larm clock?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.