[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs