Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
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Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My blood type is coffee.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?