BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
You Might Also Like
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse