Botany good plants lately?
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I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…