Botany good plants lately?
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Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.