Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
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I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out