Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
groan^2