[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
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Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.