[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror: