* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.