Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Sounds like a bargain
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo