Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
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If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Made something I’m not proud of
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.