@Meh_Tweetz: bought 30 treadmills & placed them around the perimeter of house, when zombies attack my house they will just keep walking for days
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@BeardedSteel: *stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker's office *sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting *retracts
@iwearaonesie: wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
@dinnersruined: *hands you a marijuana* "This one's called Air Bud. It'll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever."