My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Unimpressed
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*