Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
mariah carrie
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber