Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?