@wolfpupy: bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
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@JIMBOSWELT: Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
@mishakey: How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
@TheGladStork: Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
@Breadery: My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said 'resilient tortoise.' I've sent her in with one to give in return, 'patronizing hippo.'