bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
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*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.