@WilliamAder: Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can't sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
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@Kyle_Lippert: I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
@stephenjmolloy: "Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat." Dads in unison: "Nooooo!"
@FrenulumBreve: Crocodile: "See ya later alligator." Alligator: "yeah, I don't do that anymore Jeff."
@NateKofiStruck: The janitor lady for my apartment building asked me out on a date & said she had some weed. I told her I'm not into high maintenance women.