@WilliamAder: Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can't sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
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@squirrel74wkgn: *pounding on her chest* DON'T DIE ON ME KAREN! *pounds harder* (sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT! CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
@CorkyKneivel: I loathe tweets like "Be somebody's beautiful tragedy". Might as well tweet using a random word generator. "Be golf brisket honkytonk"
@HumanPog: sometimes if i'm having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i'm watching lord of the rings
@amydillon: Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.