Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.