Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
You Might Also Like
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.