Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
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Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.