[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
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My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
That’s easy for you to say
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.