I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
You Might Also Like
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Tier 3 meme
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.