@Brianhopecomedy: Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.
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@curlycomedy: How can you teach your child about adversity if you don't leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?
@boburnham: Life is always one step forward, two steps back...Then slide to the left...Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
@Sarcasticsapien: Cinderella is my favorite story about women who fight over a man who doesn't even remember what a woman he spent the night with looks like.
@Izianikapani: Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.