ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
You Might Also Like
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.