bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening