Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
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POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,