Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I can fix him.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.