Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
You Might Also Like
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
when revenge coincides with naptime
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot