Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
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In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
when the buffet is more honest than your date
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.