@Leemanish: Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday 'cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
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@Jenny4ashley: Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex? BLEACH I MIGHT BE
@GreyDeLisle: I'll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they've been following the wrong "mom butt" at the grocery store.
@davedittell: WIFE: Dave's here HUSBAND: Dave from work or Dave who always wears scarves? ME: [from downstairs] I got caught in the ceiling fan again!
@behindyourback: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online"