BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
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If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Good morning!
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
it was love at first sight
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic