BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.