I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
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My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”